


Making Love Instead of Misery

by Sparklyfairymira (myonetruelove)



Series: Marry Me [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:14:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22236181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myonetruelove/pseuds/Sparklyfairymira
Summary: It's been six months since Clarke married Lexa and Bellamy is still a mess. A knock at his door in the middle of the night changes his life.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Series: Marry Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591945
Comments: 18
Kudos: 115





	Making Love Instead of Misery

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second story in a series and I would recommend reading the other story first, although it could be read alone. It is told from Bellamy's POV and you get to read Bellamy and Clarke's backstory. 
> 
> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts. 
> 
> Thanks as always to my lovely beta and also to the wonderful people over on thebellarkes discord for helping me out when I wasn't sure about parts of this story! Everyone is awesome. I'd love to hear what you think of the story!

Bellamy sighed as he lifted the cup in his hand to his lips. His apartment was dark, lit only by the occasional flash of lightning from the storm that raged on outside. The whiskey warmed his belly for a moment and he relished in the feeling. He’d spent the last six months feeling nothing but numbing cold. It was the only way that he survived, by not feeling. By ignoring the pain that had coursed through his veins, threatening to drown him, to completely overwhelm him.

A sharp knock sounded from the door, startling him from where his thoughts had been running. Glancing at his phone he saw that it was after midnight. Who the fuck was knocking on his door at this time? Hell, who was left to knock on his door. Most of his friends had given up and stopped trying to save him from himself months ago. They’d left him alone as he’d demanded except Miller and Octavia, who had both refused to let him be. Octavia who came by every weekend to clean his apartment, making sure that he had clean clothes and food to eat. Who begged him to take care of himself, to not leave her alone. Who left his house that very afternoon with tears in her eyes after he’d once again ignored every attempt she had made to have a conversation with him. Miller came over at least every couple of days to drink with him so he wasn’t completely pathetic, but never tried to make him talk. They simply sat there drinking in silence so that Bellamy knew he wasn’t on his own, no matter how many people he pushed away. The same Miller who was visiting his dad for the weekend so he wasn’t even in town. So, who the hell was knocking on his door?

Another knock sounded, more incessant, seemingly louder. What the fuck? Didn’t they realize that he didn’t need or want anyone bothering him? “Go away.” The words were quiet, whispered as his eyes slid shut. He just didn’t have the energy to deal with people anymore. All of his energy went into forgetting her and forcing down the pain, forcing himself to feel nothing. He went to work every day and dealt with people and then he went home to drink- alone. It was the way that he wanted it to be. It was the only way that he knew how to survive. The only thing that kept him from completely losing it and ending it all.

The knock sounded again, the pounding harder. But this time it didn’t stop.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Bellamy roared as he stood. “Why can’t you get a fucking clue?” Anger. Annoyance. Those were things that he could allow himself to feel. Those were safe emotions. He threw the door open, his drink dropping from his hand and crashing to the floor. 

“Bell?” 

And there she was. The one person whose memory that Bellamy had been trying to burn from his head for the last six months.

“Clarke?”

* * *

“Wait.” The word was out of his mouth before he even realized that he was standing. As all eyes turned towards him he wanted to sink into the floor. He felt Miller’s hand on his arm, but shook it off and ignored his whispered words as he stepped into the aisle. It was too late now. He’d started this and he needed to see it through.

His eyes found the couple at the front, Lexa’s eyes filled with so much hate and Clarke’s with something that he couldn’t even begin to fathom. His eyes stayed on her as he approached them, and it is so quiet in the room that all he can hear is his own ragged breathing. He watched as Clarke gave a small shake of her head, trying to warn him off, but he ignored it. Just like with Miller. It was too late. 

She was so beautiful. God, he loved her so much. Not that she wasn’t beautiful every day, but it was like her happiness was making her glow. He wished that he had been the one to make her glow. He wished that he was the one standing beside her. He wished so many things for the two of them.

Bellamy stopped just a few feet shy of Lexa and Clarke and he finally allowed his eyes to move away from Clarke to face Lexa. If looks could kill he would’ve been dead right where he stood. He knew that Lexa had never liked him and had moved to hate him soon after, and he also knew that there was no coming back from this. She would never let him near Clarke again and he couldn’t even blame her. It’s what he deserved.

“You already hate me so I’m sure that interrupting your wedding won’t make it any worse. I just needed to tell you that you’re marrying the most beautiful, caring person that I’ve ever met in my life. She will always take care of you and put you first so you need to make sure that you put her first. I know that you don’t want me involved in her life and because you will be her wife I will be sure to honor your wishes, but please take care of her. Love her and be fair to her. Make sure she is the most important person in your life because you are the most important person in hers. Be her everything and please, don’t hurt her.” Bellamy was proud of himself when his voice didn’t break and he didn’t stumble over the words. He wasn’t sure how much of his words were being carried to the other people in the room, but he didn’t care. Let them all hear. Let them all know how much he loved her.

Lexa doesn’t say anything and he hadn’t expected her too. But he did see the understanding and the pity in her eyes. Lexa knew that he was in love with Clarke and he couldn’t bring himself to care. It didn’t matter. He already knew that his place in Clarke’s life was gone. He wouldn’t be allowed to be in her life anymore, and honestly, he didn’t think he could bring himself to be a part of it even if Lexa allowed it. This was the best for all of them. It was the only way that it could be.

Bellamy slowly turned to face Clarke, tears clouding his vision. He could see the tears in her eyes, the tremor of her lips and he hated himself. He’d ruined her perfect day and that wasn’t something that he could forgive himself for. But maybe that was for the best. Maybe she would hate him and then she wouldn’t miss him when she never saw him again. Yes, that was definitely the best course of action. He steeled himself as he stepped closer to her, taking her hands into his own.

He leaned over, his lips brushing her ear. These words were for her and only her. No one else had the right to hear them as he spilled his soul, maybe not with the words he chose but with how they were delivered. “I’m sorry. I love you so much and I want nothing, but happiness for you. Please be happy.” A tear slid down his cheek as his voice broke on the last word. He kissed her cheek softly before releasing her hands and turning away. 

He kept his eyes on the floor as he walked back down the aisle, ignoring the whispers that chased him. It didn’t matter what those people thought of him. That was the way that it had to be. He repeated it to himself over and over as he walked as quickly as he could without running, fighting the tears that were threatening to spill. He could do this. He was almost there. The door was within his reach.

“Bellamy…” Miller was there, opening the door, his voice quiet.

“I can’t.” Bellamy swept through the doors and headed towards the front door. The tears began to fall freely as he ripped his jacket off, throwing it down followed quickly by his tie before he ripped open the top buttons of his shirt that were choking him. By the time he slammed through the front door he was running, ignoring the pleas of his friends and sister. All he could focus on was the pain, the pain of letting go of the woman that he loved and getting away as quickly as he could. That was the way that it needed to be.

* * *

Six months have passed since Bellamy had last seen Clarke, last talked to her. He had ignored the calls and texts. She had called him the night of the wedding and the next day when he knew that she was leaving on her honeymoon. He’d been drunk both times, refusing to pick up and hear her pity. After that there had been a barrage of texts every day for a month, asking him if he was okay and to call her. Telling him that she missed him. He’d ignored those too, drunk for most of them except the ones that she had sent while he was at work. He’d spent most of his time drunk for the last six months. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but it helped numb the pain, and it kept him from doing anything more permanent. It was the only way that he knew.

But now she was standing at his front door, drenched from the rain. Her eyes were wild, red and puffy, but she was still beautiful. She was always so beautiful and it took his breath away. What was she doing there? 

Clarke stared at him, taking him in as he did the same to her for who knows how long. Was it seconds? Minutes? Hours? Time seemed to stand still for both of them.

When she moved it startled him, making him jump a little and then suddenly his arms were full of Clarke as she sobbed. “Bell….”

Bellamy didn’t even think twice. He slammed the door shut, picking her up and carrying her to the couch, his dropped drink forgotten. He sat, her in his lap, as he held her. Her whole body shook with sobs as she buried her face in his neck. 

It was second nature for Bellamy’s hand to rub up and down her spine as he held her, murmuring words to calm her. He didn’t know what he was saying, his focus just on the fact that she was in his arms. 

Six months was a long time, long enough that he should’ve at least started to get over her, but he now knew that he would never be over her. When she left him- and he knew that she would leave him again- it would break him all over again. He would never recover. Life without Clarke wasn’t liveable and now that he’d accepted it, it was easier. The pain was still sharp, but at least he knew now. She was his life.

Bellamy didn’t know how long they sat there like that, but eventually, her sobs quieted. Bellamy didn’t say anything, just waited. He knew that Clarke would talk when she was ready. She’d been that way since she was young. No one could get her to talk before she was ready and Bellamy had learned to be patient. 

He closed his eyes, hand still rubbing a line along her spine. He let himself relish in her closeness. He missed this so much. Losing her had been like losing a part of himself. He knew that he was just making it worse for himself when she would inevitably leave, but he couldn’t stop himself, couldn’t stop imagining her telling him that she’d made a mistake. 

But it had been six months. _Get it together Bellamy._ He tried to shake himself from his thoughts, but it was so hard. He didn’t want to fight the hope that was rising in his heart. It was better than the numbness than the sharp pain that leaving her had caused. He was driving himself crazy waiting for her to speak.

“I’m sorry, Bell.” Clarke’s words were a whisper, barely loud enough for him to hear, but he felt them against his skin as her lips moved.

“What happened, Princess?” Another spike of pain in his heart. It had been so long since he had called her that, too long for a name that used to fall easily from his lips.

Clarke moved suddenly, falling off of his lap onto the floor in a graceless heap. “Shit.”

Bellamy couldn’t help the laugh as he looked down at her. “Are you okay?”

Clarke didn’t meet his eyes as she ignored the hand he held out to help her up, and Bellamy felt another spike of pain. She moved to sit beside him on the couch, not touching him, not meeting his eye. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what, Clarke?”

“For this!” Clarke threw her hands in the air. “Showing up at your house in the middle of the night out of nowhere. For being an idiot. For everything.” She did meet his eyes then and they were filled with tears.

Bellamy felt his heart break a little more. He had always hated seeing her hurting, even when they were kids. Every part of him wanted to fix whatever had made her hurt, even when he knew that he couldn’t. He just sighed. “You know that I’m here for you, _whenever_ you need me. But I think maybe you should tell me what’s going on?”

Clarke closed her eyes for a moment and when they opened again they were on her hands that were now clasped in her lap. “I never should’ve married Lexa.”

Bellamy sat there, stunned, waiting for her to say more. But she didn’t. They just sat in silence as Bellamy watched her while she watched her own hands. Eventually, he couldn’t take the silence any longer. “I’m going to need a little bit more information than that.”

“Lexa is leaving me.” 

Just when Bellamy didn’t think that there was anything else that could break him anymore. He let his eyes close, his head falling back onto the couch. Of course, she didn’t love him. He wasn’t the reason that she shouldn’t have married Lexa. She was hurt because Lexa was leaving her. He was such a fucking idiot.

“She said it was my fault and I guess it kind of is. I don’t know if you remember Costia? They broke up not too long before Lexa and I started dating. She just got back to the US from her Doctors Without Borders stint. And they’re in love… or they were always in love? I don’t know.” Clarke’s voice wavered a bit. “She told me that Costia loves her and _just_ her, unlike me. She said she knew that I could never give her my whole heart…” Clarke trailed off, causing Bellamy to look at her. Her eyes were on him as she continued to speak. “Because you would always have a part of it.”

Bellamy sat up straight, eyes never leaving Clarke’s. Had he just heard her correctly? He tried to tamper down the hope that was trying to drown him. There was no way that she was saying what he thought she was saying. Right?

“I’m in love with you, Bellamy, and I have been for most of my life. I just thought that we weren’t meant to be. We were just another almost, and quite frankly, I figured that was how you wanted it. Until the day of my wedding.” 

“But I’d already made a commitment to Lexa. I couldn’t just leave her at the altar. But honestly? I should’ve.” She leaned forward, touching Bellamy’s hand lightly. “It would’ve saved all of us from so much heartache.” 

Bellamy could only stare at her as he tried to get his thoughts under control. Was this really happening? Was he dreaming? It was just too much. After months of blocking all of his emotions, he was being drowned by his feelings. He couldn’t process it. 

“Bell?” The question was clear in Clarke’s voice as her face fell.

Bellamy took her hand in his as he shook his head. “I…” And then he was kissing her, telling her with his touch what he couldn’t seem to explain with words.

_I love you. I will always love you. You are my everything. I’m dead inside without you._

When Clarke’s mouth opened, her tongue touching his for the first time, his entire body felt like it was on fire. With a groan he pushed her back on the couch, his body covering hers. Their kisses were desperate, years of denying themselves having built up and making them impatient.

Suddenly she broke their kiss, pushing against his chest. Bellamy shot off of her like he’d been burned. He was sure that the terror was written all over his face. Was she going to leave him now that she’d told him that she loved him? He couldn’t handle it. 

“Bell…” Clarke sighed, her face sad as she cupped his cheek. “I love you, I’m not going anywhere. Please stop looking at me like you’re afraid I’m going to smash you to bits. I can’t handle it.”

“ _You_ can’t handle it? I can’t handle it, Clarke. These past six months have been the worst of my life. I don’t know how to live without you in my life.” Tears began to fall down his cheeks, tears he hadn’t even realized were forming.

“I’m so sorry, Bellamy. I’m so sorry.” Clarke climbed back into his lap, straddling his legs as she began to kiss away his tears. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you, but I will. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. Please forgive me.”

“Look. If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven.” Bellamy cupped the sides of her face, forcing her to look up at him. “I love you, Clarke. I’ve always loved you and I will love you for the rest of my life. That’s true even if you didn’t love me.”

“Kiss me, Bellamy, please,” Clarke begged as her eyes darted between meeting his eyes and looking at his lips.

Bellamy didn’t have to be asked twice as he pulled her firmly against him, his lips finding hers easily. And it was like coming home - because Clarke _was_ home for him. This time their kisses were gentle as they savored one another. 

Bellamy’s hands slid under the back of Clarke’s shirt, relishing the feel of her smooth skin against his rough hands. Clarke’s head fell back, revealing her neck to him and he bit her pulse point lightly before soothing it with his tongue.

Clarke’s hips ground against his as she tugged at his shirt. “Off.”

Bellamy smiled against her neck before helping her pull off his shirt. When he reached for her shirt she pushed back on his shoulders until he was leaned back against the couch, and then her hands were trailing all over his chest and his stomach, causing him to moan at the sensation of her light touch. She continued to grind against him as she kissed his throat, his chest. Her hands and her lips were everywhere.

Bellamy reached for her again, but Clarke swatted his hands away. “Keep your hands to yourself.” She kissed him, biting his lower lip before sliding down his lap and settling between his legs on her knees. She licked her lips as she reached for his belt.

“Clarke-” He reached out to still her hands, but she smacked them away again.

“I said, keep your hands to yourself.” Clarke looked up at him, meeting his eyes as she undid his belt. “I’ll let you know when you can touch.”

And damn if that wasn’t the hottest fucking thing Bellamy had ever heard. His hands dug into the couch as he forced himself to not touch her. It was hard, but if she wanted to be in charge then who was he to argue. He kept his eyes on her as she lowered the zipper on his jeans, watching as she bit her lip just before yanking on his pants.

“Off.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Bellamy quickly helped her pull his pants off. Then his hands were digging into the couch again as she palmed him through his boxers. “Fuck…” His eyes fell shut as his hand slammed back onto the couch. 

“Yes, Bell… we will do that… eventually.” Clarke’s voice was raspy as she pulled down his boxers, taking him into hand and working him slowly. 

Bellamy had started this visit thinking that Clarke would be the death of him and now he knew that was going to be true, but in a very different way than he had imagined. His eyes popped open again when he felt Clarke’s mouth on him. “Fuck, Clarke. I need…” He moaned as she slid her mouth down his length as far as she could before he hit the back of her throat. “Let me touch you.”

Clarke backed off for a moment before taking him further into her mouth, fighting against her gag reflex and then he was fully in her mouth and it felt so fucking good. And he needed to touch her. Clarke’s hands slid up his thighs until they reached his own, leading them to thread through her hair. Her head bobbed up and down on him as his fingers tightened, pulling her hair lightly. Bellamy fought the urge to fuck up into her mouth. She just felt so good. But oh fuck, when she swallowed he couldn’t help it and he fucked up into her mouth. 

Clarke moaned around him and Bellamy took that as a signal to keep doing it. Soon Clarke wasn’t even moving anymore as he moved in and out of her mouth. It felt so good, too good. He pulled her off of him, breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself.

Clarke whined and tried to move forward to take him back into her mouth, but Bellamy pulled against her head. “No more. I can’t last much longer like that.”

The grin that Clarke gave him was wicked. “That’s just fine. I like swallowing, Bell.”

Fucking shit. “No. Not this time.” Bellamy hauled her up off her knees and into lap again, quickly pulling her shirt off before claiming her lips again. Together they fumbled to get her bra undone and off, thrown somewhere in the apartment. Bellamy pulled back, taking Clarke in and fuck, she was so fucking beautiful. “God, your tits, Princess. They’re fucking amazing.” He leaned down taking one nipple into his mouth as he pulled her hips against his. He was hard and wet from the precum and her spit that was surely getting her pants wet, but neither of them seemed to care.

“Bell, I need more.” Clarke rolled her hips, searching for friction. 

“Whatever you want.” Bellamy helped her remove her pants and her panties before taking her other nipple in his mouth. Her hips canted against him and his cock was rubbing against her soaking wet center while his hands massaged her gorgeous tits. Bellamy didn’t break away from her until he felt her taking him into her hand, trying to guide him inside of her. “Tsk, tsk, Princess. Not yet.”

Bellamy slid his hand down her side, over her hip, and into her slick folds. They both moaned as he slid a finger into her. “You feel so good, Clarke. So fucking good.”

“Fuck….more.” Clarke rested her forehead against his as her hips canted against his hand. She cried out as he slid a second finger in, his palm grinding against her clit with each pass. They moved in tandem as they chased her release together. It didn’t take long until she was clutching at his fingers, his name falling from her lips. 

Bellamy slowed his fingers but continued to work her through her orgasm, kissing her sweetly as she collapsed against him. “Don’t tell me you’re done, Princess.”

Clarke’s head lolled to the side so that she could look up at him. “Done? No. Just taking a little break.”

Bellamy grinned before pressing his lips against hers again gently. “Well, you just let me know when your little break is over.” He gently removed his fingers from her causing Clarke to moan lightly. He trailed his wet fingers along her thigh before bringing them to his mouth. “Damn, you taste amazing.”

“Mmmmm…” Clarke leaned forward, tongue sneaking out and licking a stripe up his finger before pressing her lips against his. She began to move her hips slowly, her slick sliding out of her and onto his cock.

“Fuck, Clarke,” Bellamy moaned, his head falling back at the feel of her moving against him.

“Yes, please.” Clarke smiled against his neck as her hand slid down his torso until she could take him into her hand. She stroked him for a moment as she continued to move before finally guiding him into her. She slid down until she was fully seated, meeting Bellamy’s eyes with a smile.

Bellamy shook his head, loving this playful side of Clarke. It was so different from any way that he’d ever seen her or had ever imagined her. He gripped her hips, helping her move along him. Soon she was moving on her and Bellamy was just holding on for the ride. He was mesmerized by the way her tits swung in his face and the way that Clarke was already chasing her next orgasm. She was slow to move up and almost off of him before slamming back down, making sure to rock her hips forward so that her clit was rubbing against him. 

Bellamy smiled as he stilled her hips. “Maybe you should try more of the forward movement and less of the up and down.” Bellamy showed her the movement and loved the way that her face lit up when she realized that it would be much easier to get off this way. Bellamy was close, so much closer than he should be. But this was Clarke, his Clarke, who he never thought he would be able to have in this way and she felt amazing. He fought for control, watching as Clarke moved faster and feeling the way that she was clinging to him. She was so close, he just needed to hold out a little while longer.

But then Clarke rotated her hips sharply and it felt so good he couldn’t help it, he was coming before he could even begin to hold himself back. His hand slid down to her clit, flicking quickly as she ground against him and thank God, she was coming right after him. 

Bellamy pulled her closer as she collapsed against him. Clarke laid her head on his shoulder while he was still inside of her and they just laid that way for a time. Once both of their breathing was calmed Bellamy ran a hand over Clarke’s bare back with a sigh. “We should probably talk, Princess.”

Clarke gave a deep sigh, nodding her head against his shoulder. “Let me go clean up real quick, okay?”

Bellamy nodded, giving her a sweet kiss as she climbed off of his lap and when he looked down he realized he would need to clean up too because they had forgotten to use a fucking condom. “Shit…” He clamored down the hallway to his bedroom and grabbed a shirt and used that to clean up. Better than waiting for Clarke to finish in the bathroom and having _that_ conversation while he was still covered in both of their come.

Bellamy pulled on a clean pair of boxers and a pair of pajama pants before heading back to the living room with a shirt and a pair of his shorts which he held out to Clarke when she finished in the bathroom. He sat down on the couch with his head in his hands as he listened to her throw his clothes on. He looked up when he felt her touch his head lightly. And fuck it was hot seeing her in his clothes. Over the years he’d been very careful not to give her any of his clothes because he knew that he’d feel this possessiveness that he was feeling now.

“Do you regret what we just did?” Clarke’s voice was small as she looked down at him, her disappointment clear on her face.

“No. Fuck no, I don’t regret it.” Bellamy pulled her into his lap, kissing her lightly. “What I regret is not using a condom.”

“Oh? Is that all?” Clarke scoffed. “Would it be so bad if I got pregnant? I can’t wait to have your kids. You’re going to be the best dad ever.”

Bellamy choked for a moment. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I just need to make sure that I understand 100% what it is you want from me. I need to make sure that there is no confusion on my part because I cannot deal with that heartbreak again.”

Clarke’s smile was small and sad. “I plan to spend the rest of my life with you, making sure that you never doubt how much I love you - _ever_ . I plan to have as many babies as you’ll put in me and I plan to make you the happiest man in the whole world. I love you Bellamy and _you_ are the most important person in my life. You always have been and always will be. I will _never_ forget that again and I will _never_ let you doubt it again. Is that okay?”

Bellamy knew that there were still things that they would have to work through, more that they would have to talk about, more that would need to be forgiven, but he loved her so fucking much. “That sounds like the best plan I’ve ever heard. I love you.”

“I love you too, Bellamy. I love you so much.” With a kiss, Clarke sealed her words to his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I am considering writing more in this universe. Definitely moments of their relationship after this, but also maybe other character's POV. Is there anything that any of you would like to read?


End file.
